Any conventional resume coach will tell you that there are some things you absolutely never put on your resume. And the best resume services will find a way to turn your top skills and achievements into benefits that will make your resume sparkle.
But let’s face it: not everybody’s career is sparkling. What if your last two jobs were disasters? What if you were written up to HR for bad behavior? What if leaving the negatives off your resume leaves you nothing but your name and white space?
In the job search, desperate times call for creative measures. You could make stuff up or try one of our 7 patented resume lies. But here’s something people rarely consider (outside of politics): spin your biggest screw ups to sound like major achievements. Here are ten colossal blunders you could add to your resume, with a little sales pitch to make it shine.
1. Created a new revenue stream that generated 6-figure returns by exploiting market inefficiencies; recognized by senior management for accomplishment.
This is just a really nice way of saying that your boss fired you because she suspected you were trying to embezzle a few hundred thousand dollars. Of course, if you managed to avoid jail time, you probably don’t need our help getting creative.
2. Initiated an internal communication system for relaying important updates quickly and effectively.
You were a huge gossip. Not everybody can spread the word like you can. Who cares if it wasn’t in your job description. You weren’t trying to bring down the company, you were just showing initiative.
3. Routinely finished assigned tasks ahead of schedule, leaving time to proactively reach and exceed additional self-appointed goals.
The HR version was that you were written up for playing Bejeweled Blitz during work hours, and they have a right to their opinion. But it’s not your fault your job was boring. Besides, you don’t set the office high score unless you have mad skills. Be proud.
4. Set sales marks that had previously been deemed unreachable.
So you lied on your sales reports . . . a little too much. While overstating your totals by 500% means you absolutely shouldn’t brag about your estimating skills (or your integrity), it does show that you have a habit of setting your sights high. Positivity should be rewarded.
5. Employed innovative research methods with life-saving potential.
Penicillin saves lives, and it was discovered on some moldy food that had been left out. So the fact that your poor cleaning habits at your workspace caused a health code violation should not deter you from seeing the positive. If you hadn’t been forced to douse the entire area in bleach, significant medical breakthroughs could have been in store.
6. Consistently generated project management techniques that challenged conventional cliches and opened doors for bigger and better team accomplishments.
You were always getting projects done late, forcing your coworkers to pick up the slack. That’s certainly one way of looking at it, but from your perspective you were just thinking outside the box.
7. Challenged preconceived notions of established work hours in favor of working hard until every job met your strict standards of your approval.
You usually left work early when you lost interest.
8. Recognized as an outstanding example of a coworker who placed a high priority on positive relationships at the office.
You’ve been cited multiple times for sexual harassment. They kind of made an example of you and singled you out as someone who exemplified what not to do. But in the end, people learned from your mistakes—and so did you, right? It’s a win win. Put it on the resume.
9. Organized team training workshops that increased productivity by 100%.
Technically you screwed up so bad, operations had to be shut down so your entire unit could be trained on the system already mastered by everyone but you. But it made for an exciting Saturday, and it truly would not have happened without you.
10. Launched a 360-degree peer review system resulting in 50% surge in employee satisfaction.
You went off one day. You told everybody, including the boss, exactly what you thought of them. They fired your ass, and, as it turned out, you were the main reason behind half of everyone’s complaints. If you don’t put that on your resume, the parade of f-bombs you unleashed on your company will have been for naught.
If you’ve been guilty of all 10 of these infractions, God help us all if you find a new job. But if you know of one or two mistakes that cost you in the short term, maybe you can use them to your advantage in your current job search. If you do and it works (or if you’ve tried something similar) we’d love to hear about it . . . anonymously, of course.
Related posts:
- 7 Resume Lies Employers Will Never Check
- Words To Help You Create an Outstanding Resume
- 10 Steps To Help You Master The Paper Handshake (Resume)
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